Spain

My time here so far has been great. The language, the paella, the smooth modern architecture, flamenco everything, the stunning horses, those interesting trendy pants.Well…ok…except for when walking down the beaches here. I kept thinking the topless women of all ages shapes and sizes would fade out eventually, to no avail. Then into the odd sleazy internet cafe where a guy happens to be watching hard core porn. It was challenging to know what to do in response, though I definitely did respond.

In the face of bold public sin, and the booming American top 40 remixes wafting through every Spanish corridor, I felt… itchy. For the most part it may have been the allergies, for which was given an Rx. But I also started waking up to a question of how the church is called to really respond to public lawlessness by a non-Christian. Even if the government passes a bill to support lawless acts. Do we say nothing? Feel uncomfortable til we get enough physical distance? Do we make exceptions? We certainly don’t get judgmental. So now what. Are we even equipped to know how to dismantle the darkness in the earth while remaining in His love?

Bringing the truth in love is the key, and sounds simple enough.

“The true grace of God, the core of the gospel, gives too much permission…and it does it on purpose.” – Levi Miller

This was one quote that really got me thinking. Because my natural response was “why?!” Someone else had asked first. And the bottom line of the discussion was that living a holy life is for OUR benefit. Everything is permissible but not beneficial; our behavior is not the point. It’s about becoming more like Christ from the heart. To use grace as an excuse to keep living in death (any type of sin) means we do not understand HIS death. This is about freedom to love God, not obligation. Let’s take this a bit further…

Romans 12 “Living Sacrifices” is such a succulent nutrient-rich piece of tender goodness. But what does this mean: “do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..” Sometimes we’re so busy micromanaging the manifestations of a twisted focus that we’ve overlooked simply shifting our focus to the Father. And the results are more radical than just not acting like a lawless brute. Whatever the side effects of resting in His love are, they can’t be boring or lukewarm if we’re taking John 14:12 seriously for instance. The freedom to love God, naturally produces the desire to share Christ inside of whatever gifting you have been given. And I’ve come into a greater appreciation that there are So. Many. Spiritual. Giftings. That’s mind renewal to me. For me it’s evangelism. It’s exciting. Intense. For me, it means to go tip the scales with experiencing the absolute irony in the faith: Poor is rich. Weak is powerful. Last is first.

What do you think one of your spiritual giftings are? What gives you the biggest sense of accomplishment?

I invited the pastors of a small church here in Marbella over for dinner the other night. My mom loves to cook so she hooked them up with a ridiculously creative 5 course menu by just putting regular ingredients together. Most of all we were able to hear from these two their amazing testimonies, how they needed support, and prayed and sang over them. Honestly it felt more encouraging for me. Melanie grew up in Kenya and Zimbabwe and met her husband, Kurt, in South Africa, after he had become a Christian in Spain. Just so happens they ran a ministry out of San Diego, for a time, that was similar to Awake Ministries! They took teams of Christians to the third world and it was amazing, fruitful and uplifting experience for everyone. They were very excited about the framework I wanted to include. They also mentioned that the need for a church counsellor in Spain is high. Everything I learned was so confirming and helpful. Just meeting them and having that tiny drink of community and mutual ground was worth the entire time in this country.

Also, just returned from a very short visit to North Africa. Was SO BLESSED to spend a minimal amount of time with the poor of Morocco, and my heart just about exploded with love. I mean, maybe some of the vendors were happy to see me, but I was Level 10 enthused to see them. If you and I have hung out at all maybe you can picture me all crazy like. To talk to them. Listen to them. Love them. Had the honor to pray for a boy named Mohammed, and I can’t even tell you how in my element it felt. I think this is the result when each one of us operates under our anointing or gifting. I admit, I almost didn’t want to get on the boat. But I see the next door, and I say YES, God, show me Your ways!

My parents and I plan to head to Madrid tomorrow and have about 4 days left here. I am beyond excited to see everyone in BC again and reconnect. I can’t wait to hear where the Lord has brought you, and to feel His strong love for you when I see your precious faces again!!!

“Because by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.”
Hebrews 10:14

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Yes.

I have been so blessed and grateful to have the time to build on this new ministry, and God is making a way again where there seemed to be no way (considering my mind was set on remaining in the third world forever). I am so thankful for the many opportunities opening, directing me towards what I need to make it a reality. The more I am able to pray and process, the more clarity I get about the details of “Awake”. There are plenty of things to be distracted by here of course, but it’s not my first, second or even third time to Europe. Therefore, for purposes of concentration, I welcome the blessing of familiarity in place of the overwhelming craze of novelty for this visit. Staying focused on this project is a challenge, but my heart is steadfast.

Flashback to April, 2010: St. Marc, Haiti. Im sitting across the table from Nadine, a Haitian girl about my age. I was drawing her portrait and asked about her family.
“They died” she said matter-of-factly. Curious of course I asked how and when. The massive earthquake of January 2010 had taken them all, she revealed, her expression appeared unaffected at the moment. I knew that look. That post-mortem numbness. She had escaped with a broken foot. Almost immediately, perspective was gained, in my mind and in my heart. Well…immediately after 20 minutes of sobbing. I had to leave the room and go hide in an empty classroom actually. My friend Kathia, had come to find me. Kathia and i had become close. Though she barely knew any english, i barely knew any creole, we had an understanding. She cleaned every room on the base to support her whole family. A true caretaker, Kathia invited me to her church and insisted on fanning me through the thick humidity and long high energy service. Strong, joyful, beautiful girl. She just knelt down on that cool raw floor and cried with me. All i saw was her chocolate brown arms sweep in front and wrap around me with such a genuine knowing. Instantly my heart loved her. She didn’t have to say anything, she just knew.
“You’re crying too” I sputtered, captain obvious.
“Mama mwen mouri” (my mom died) she told me in Creole. I think we cried for another 15. So bonding. So healing. Whatever that missing piece in life was, got filled. Everything about this girl was real. And the real deal didn’t stop at Nadine or Kathia. This was a trend I saw and experienced throughout the Haitian and African cultures. Not enough space on this blog to describe every moment.

Full circle came back in the developed world, and I saw myself in everyone I had known before. “How was your trip to Haiti?” a loaded question. I could only explain by showing them.
‘Come with me next time?’ I thought, secretly hoping she would read my expression. There were good things and bad about every mission trip. But the third world experience could really use some helpful questions to draw the gold out. That i cant keep a secret any longer, its bursting in my veins. I do wish I’d had someone to ask me things along my time in these places: what were your first thoughts when you saw the poverty? What do you feel is God’s heart for those living in extreme poverty? (Hint: this is a pre, preview of the framework for Awake Ministries).

I never thought saying “yes” to an opportunity for deeper intimacy with the Father would involve going to a third world country. Who really wants to move out of a comfort zone? I didn’t! Comfort can often be provided for the social majority in any developed country. So while North Americans can teach independence, the poor can actually teach us dependence, on God. Dependence on Him is for what we were created.

I’m not condoning a reemergence of monastic asceticism, forbidding marriage or abstaining from certain foods. I’m condoning the absolute dethroning of routines that place myself above God. I’m talking about losing what we cannot keep, to gain what we cannot lose.

And that gain far outweighs the loss. Just when I thought I would never stop grieving and dealing with ongoing stress that many people face all alone in our culture… out from the poorest slums, countless faces flash before me with their pretty brown eyes shining. They say without saying, “There is hope for you, because my Redeemer lives.”

Never settle.

Awake.

The developed world is the last place i want to be. Believe it or not. Italy or Canada. But over the course of events, i am led here, since i know crashing my parents’ temporary pad is more acceptable than crashing anyone else’s.

I do get… the global, world-wide obsession with Tuscany alright? It’s a combo of ritzy + rustic. And i acknowledge that Venice is charming. I cannot deny this. The art. The pastas. The frizzy carbonated water that causes my bottle lid to shoot off like a bullet, just missing another tourist’s eyeball. And I welcome beauty of all types. But the Italian men have GOT to stop plucking their eyebrows. It seems to be a recent trend. Creepy! I am trying to be positive ok?…… But I really miss the third world. And all I see are doors closing to go there, and doors flinging open to return to the land of plenty. It’s bizarre.

His eyes have turned mine to the developed world, yet i cannot forget what i have seen and heard. Reverse culture shock never seems to fade for me. I persist to believe that understanding the hunger that the poor possess is essential to the revelation of how much we don’t deserve salvation. We are hard-wired to worship. It is imperative to realize how lost and fragile and hopeless we are without worshipping the living God. My goal and vision is to activate this, to open that window, and facilitate a crying out to the Father to fill the void that becomes more viscerally present when we aren’t surrounded by our constant distractions. As the Christian recording artist Jason Upton writes:
“There’s a power in poverty that breaks principalities and brings the authorities down to their knees.”

This is the premise for what God is guiding me to do next in life. You know…….that one open door, that swings in so easily, when you’re done crying about how every other door you’ve tried shut in your face?

This little ministry has been in zygote stage, merely a hypothesis, for over a year. An idea, that was morphing quickly into an actual concept only within the last couple weeks. You may recall me rambling about it in bursts on this blog. It’s true, I believe missions is not primarily about heroically swooping into the third world and rescuing the poor from their horrible circumstances. Although it is true the poor need physical, mental and spiritual nourishment, just like the rich, there is surprisingly much to be learned from the desperation of the poor. Those living in poverty often possess a substance we must know. A hunger substance we do not have access to so easily in the developed world. Or even when we’re “going in” to the third world without a complete framework.

What would this ministry look like practically? In general, the goal is to conduct mission trips for churches, schools, and individuals from Canada to visit widows, orphans, and those living in poverty. Places like Haiti, Mozambique, India, Mexico, Costa Rica are a possibility at this point. A minimal amount of days would be spent visiting, praying, sharing the Gospel, and helping in practical ways. A therapeutic framework provided will allow realistic processing of thoughts, feelings, and insights throughout the trip. Ongoing, post-mission trip partnership available for churches. There would also be the chance to give to or sponsor someone living in poverty. Pray with me!!!

In YWAM i learned that any ministry that is started by human effort, has to be maintained in human effort. I want only to walk in obedience to the Father, because I definitely do not have the patience, or multi-dimensional marketing, management, accounting, organizational skills to make this thing happen. I may have an assignment, but this needs supernatural help. I could literally spend forever taking courses upon courses until i feel ‘ready’ for what i am praying about doing here. As nebulous as this may sound, I believe that a successful vision begins in the heart. Yes, the heart. Who am i doing this for? He better be larger than life…

Recently I have some fantastic news. The ideas in the preceeding paragraphs are heading towards incorporation. Literally, and soon. Please join me in continual prayer about this exciting expectation, that it take shape, and glorify our Maker.

The birth of this concept exists in response to the following Truth:

the King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me‘.

Matthew 25:40

Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised to those who love Him?

James 2:5

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:3

Fotos of Israeli Passover Appetizers in the Jewish “ghetto” of Venice Italy,
a Romanian gypsy woman, and a preview of the logo:

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Rome: adventures in ministry

Today was amazing. Not only because I was in Rome, but because of the unexpected ministry opportunity God would provide…

So while my dad and uncle went off to the colosseum, my mom and I started off wandering through the markets, intending to hit a museum or two. We went by this little crowd gathered intently around some activity and my mom asked what it was. A nearby vendor told us it was a gambling game and asked where we were from, which led to us asking where he was from.
“Bangladesh” he said.
Asheem was his name. His demeanor seemed gentle as he held out a hand from his short, stalky frame.
“Do you go to church here?” I asked.
His english was pretty good but he’d thought I had asked if he knew a place I could go to church. He went to ask his buddy if he knew of somewhere. Eventually we broke through the awkward misunderstanding, and told us he was Hindu. We spoke very briefly about how he managed to live in Italy when the cost of living is so high.
“Can I pray for you about anything before we go?” I asked.
God’s heart for this man was saturating mine right about then.
“I want to be around good people, good guys” he replied.
He later explained to my mom that there is a lot of deception among the Hindu religion.
As soon as I finished the prayer for him, he immediately insisted he take us for some cappuccino. Before I could agree he was weaving us through the crowded market to the end of the street and into a very Italian stand-up-and-enjoy cafe. He started buying pastries and asking if we wanted more.
“No, I’m okay!” my mom was saying, as Asheem held the pastry out to her for a long moment.
“It’s a relationship it’s ok, I pay” Asheem said, his gratitude obvious.
I sip the foam off the top of my cup, secretly hoping this whole thing wouldn’t end badly. Asheem said that he lives with the guys he works with, and said he has a mom in Bangladesh. Then he talked about how he believes in all religions.

I felt ok to tell him about Jesus. I couldnt just assume that he already knew just because everyone pretty much does these days. Simple basics about the man who died and rose again from the dead…that He’s coming back because He is God. And that He loves him. Asheem became quiet. He looked like he was fighting something. His eyes revealed his hunger.
Also it occurred to me that Asheem really seemed to carry a longing for purity and for good solid community. So I told him this, and he received it.

“I am interested in what you believe” he said.
He really seemed to connect with my mom, as he told her she was like a mom to him. She told him about a church down the street and gave him her info card.
When Asheem was writing down his email address for us, I got this directive feeling to just get him to speak out loud what he was interested in knowing more about this God. About Jesus. I figured repeating what i said would be easier for him, but I knew that saying words yourself often solidifies something happening in the heart.
Asheem was so overcome with emotion that he couldn’t speak.
Before parting he kept repeating that if we ever needed anything, ever, to contact him.
But I am convinced his heart was going through something only God knows.
To be part of what God was doing today was beyond an honor.
Movements of the heart and mind like this is why I live.

In my recent travels, I’ve started becoming very aware of something…

There’s a frequency I am hearing. The more places i travel in the earth, the clearer it gets. I hear it when I talk to people, I hear it when I go inside places. And it’s getting stronger. It’s more than just a sound though. It’s almost a knowing. Do i sound crazy? Right. To some maybe i would. But Im just reporting what i experience, as usual. On the plane and off the plane. The more people I meet, there’s this unmistakable reality, almost a groaning that’s about to be fulfilled. It says, “He’s coming back” ……”Are you ready? Jesus is coming back”. Almost like a winding up. There is increase happening.

The fact that a man who claimed to be God announced His return to everyone after rising from the dead… doesn’t happen with such a history attached. People living after this man died brutal deaths claiming it as Truth. That was called “martyrdom”, because they were willing to be killed for what they believed. Who does that? The history of Christianity is found all over Rome, and Europe as a whole. We can’t escape this reality like we can in Canada and the US. The life of Christ started in Judea, which is in the east end of the Mediterranean Sea. And then it spread to Ethiopia, modern day Turkey, Greece, and Italy. During the Apostle Paul’s three missionary journeys, he established churches in those areas, and he was martyred in Rome sometime in the mid 60′s AD probably when Nero was emperor. We just saw Paul’s sarcophagus [coffin] last night! (Brief history lesson credit to my dad:)

Did we really think Jesus was serious? Or crazy? Because its either one or the other. Not both. It’s that one thing that ties everything together. The justice we are waiting for, the grief we want healed, that unresolved conflict we want restored, those longings we want fulfilled, that bad habit we want to derail. He’s coming with justice in His heart and a sword upon His side. He is so beautiful and powerful, that nothing can stand in His way. And deep down inside, you know it’s true. Maybe some of us are trying to keep that denial momentum, that substitute energy source, but really…..we all know Jesus is legit, and so were all His teachings. His return is imminent. And I want to be ready. Like….fully prepared to the max. Cleaned up, and watching for Him. Because this isn’t a joke. It’s not some cause or trend that is going out of style. This is the real deal, and time is running out.

Spirit-filled

My term with The Hands and Feet Project has come to an end. I am feeling God moving me elsewhere, although I am not certain where at the moment. All i know is that it involves burning for His Name; being filled with His Spirit. Haiti has more NGO’s per capita than any other city, worldwide. I am going to allude to the fact that I feel there is more to be experienced with God than what we currently know and practice. When we are truly walking in the fullness of His love, there must be more. One dimensional outcomes are not an option to settle for. Meeting the needs of the poor is a noble endeavor, and we will always have the poor. But if we give everything we have to poor and surrender our body to the flames, and have not love, we do nothing. And love is God. And Jesus is the only way to God. Im really not interested in being a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. Secular humanists have a massive “claim to fame” in the charity department. There are plenty of non-Christian disaster relief, feed the hungry, “we are the world” organizations, movements, and 501(c)(3)’s. But there must be something that sets a Christian apart. Otherwise I would be dead a long time ago. I am determined to find that “more”.

It has been a challenging last few months. Remembering that none of this missions stuff is about me has played a major role in keeping perspective. I have the feeling i would be about as sick as I was when I first arrived here if I had been internalizing the stress this whole time. God has blessed me with health and for that I am very, very grateful. (For some reason I’ve been wary of illness since the malaria scare.)

Have you ever tasted something that is so incredible, you have to share it? Or how about smelling something that just blows your senses? You go up to your friend in the store and you’re like “smell this, it STINKS” or “this is AMAZING, smell it smell it smell it”. Maybe you can relate, i dunno. Point being: Whether its bad-incredible or good-incredible, you must spread the news. You are compelled.

THAT SAID, many of you know i have had a little taste of hell after the events to follow back in 2005. I say that to say this: It was going to take a miracle to get me back into a faith in Christ. The old rhetoric wasn’t doing it anymore. I desperately needed a reframe, a revelation of His eternal love. You know, the kind that seems new every time you look at it. I didn’t want His presence, I was DESPERATE for it, or I was going to die. I didn’t need another old, boring, stale, second-hand, cliche, sermon about the things of God.. Nor did i have the mental means to tolerate any percent of weirdness and fakeness of people rolling around on the ground “experiencing” the “freedom” of being “slain in the spirit”. I needed real, raw God, or bust. And guess what… Everything you read about finding God when you seek Him with all your heart and soul and mind and strength? Its true. God gave me what was likely just a fraction of a taste of the glory of the Lord. But it was such a sweet taste, that I can’t just go back to ordinary life. I will never forget it, i just can’t settle for less. If i have any reason to boast, it is about my weakness for the King of Glory. And i cannot give up, or apologize for having tasted His goodness, even though it seems like a hopeless longing sometimes.

For now, I see doors closing to stay here in Haiti, and opening to take a sort of “sabbatical”. Right now it looks as if I will be meeting up with extended family in Kentucky, then to my parents who are in Rome. I pray i can stay bold in the faith so that i may encourage everyone with who i come in contact. I also see reason for taking time to pray and listen for where He wants me next. Depression and anxiety have been knocking at the door recently. I do not see any options before me at the moment, which feels so foreign, since i had previously lived in the comfort of Plans A, B, C, X, Y, Z. But i know God gives us desires, not to be left unfulfilled, and He is faithful. My passion remains to use what i have been given: my art, education, and athletics, to disciple a generation to burn for this King of holiness and purity. Whatever it is, I am posturing my heart to receive what He says, even if it sounds terrifying, unexpected, or even irrational. That’s how much He asks us to trust Him.

Thank you so much to everyone who has stayed with me on this adventure ever since i got mercifully capsized by the Holy Spirit back in 2010. You know who you are, your support has been so welcomed. Glory to God for changing all our plans with His love, He is worth it! Please continue to pray with me! I can’t wait to see every one of you again, and to know how He is moving in your lives. Hold onto the Father!!!

Falling Mangoes

Yes, today marks the seven year anniversary of my brother’s death. But this event does not define who I am. There is too much beauty here in Haiti to wallow long there in the sadness. My heart aches, but I don’t grieve like someone without hope.

Attentive, receptive, stunningly gorgeous. This culture values people way over stuff. Beckington, with his skinny arms flailing in the air for me to pick him up and carry him everywhere. Massive melt-down tears when he has to go home. Jameson telling me to “ale” -The shortest kid I’ve ever seen who can walk. Esthere’s shocked expression when she sees me sometimes. Martelene’s made-up word. She’s not even 1 yr old yet but says “a-bee-bee-a”. Rose Kattie’s mini fade-out cry. Very identifiable. Willcharson’s perfect little face, and how he grabs me sooo tightly I’m not sure I can ever let him go. Then his little boy kisses.

The fruit is literally falling off the trees here. While I stay at the Grand Goave location for about a week, we hear it hit our tin roof every night. Thud, thud, thud. A continuous harvest. The boys wake up at 430 am every morning to collect it. Then we eat mangoes all day after school. It accurately represents the harvest of souls here. The spiritual fruit in Haiti literally falls off into your hand, ready for discipleship. Souls are so hungry and so ripe here that you see progress immediately most of the time, and I am learning from these children how to love, at an increasingly rapid pace. The other day, someone told me that “staff and team conflict are the biggest challenge and the number one reason why people leave the mission field”. So I started unpacking that. The reality is that in a place like this, you’re going to be dirty most the time, basically uncomfortable physically, you’re hungry, you’re feeling a little nauseous, and you’re not sure if anyone back home remembers who you are, what you are doing, or that you need support in order to keep it up. I guess this could be fuel for some grumpiness. But the question remains: who will carry the glory of the Lord full-term, to the poorest of the poor? If you can get past the enemy’s plan to sabotage your relationships with each other, you’re doing well. But even then, if you’re not living from a place of rest and intimacy with the Father, you’ve likely got a stronghold of pride and who knows what else. So yes, fruit falling right on you does come with its challenges I suppose. But aside from today, I have not been able to wipe the smile off my face!!!

I have had this raw vision if you don’t mind some imagination: of both locations here being consumed in prayer and worship, from morning to night. Declaring the true character of God and our identity in His love. Staff and children would know about their adoption as sons and daughters of the Living God. There would be ongoing outreach nights where we would go to other orphanages and love on the abandoned there and speak life, love and pray. Healing after prayer would be a regular occurrence, even during worship. Seeking His face would be a natural movement of our hearts before making any decision. All Haitian staff would feel empowered to initiate prayer with their assigned houses, every night before bed, and whenever needed. There would be so much unity and mutual support as a staff family in Christ that even threat to life couldn’t separate us.

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

Hunger: An Uncompromising Portrait of the Third World

I wanted to make sure the Cuban doctors fully understood my condition before prescribing. I put the note as the preamble to my blog, for fun. If you want to use “google translate” you can read the Spanish. It’s for fun:

Soy Canadiense.
Mi nombre es Phoebe Keeran.
He estado en Haití desde hace más de una semana.
Esta es mi cuarta vez en Haití.
Por favor, ayúdame. He estado enfermo desde poco después de la llegada. Tengo un constante incremento en el dolor punzante en el cuello que se siente similar a la de un nervio, pero más dolor.
La fiebre fue 100,2 F
Débil y adolorido todo el cuerpo.
Tos, producción de materia verde.
Inflamación de los ganglios.
Trató de 1000 mg dos veces al día Tylenol.
Que se necesita para hacer pruebas de sangre?
¿Cómo puede saber mi diagnóstico?

This was written yesterday: January 12, 2012

Two years since the earthquake.
Right now I can hear the little kiddos and the mamas singing ‘Alleluia’ and reading the Bible. Joswe, one of our Haitian staff, said he would have one minute of silence at 4:55 (time of earthquake) which is in approximately 6 minutes from now. My heart aches I cant be down there with them at this moment. I’ve tried joining them twice now but my coughing fits were too disruptive and had to leave. One little girl who sat beside me has been quite the handful. She stole my room key the other night. Monday she had to be literally dragged to school. Only later did I find out she lost her mom in the earthquake.

It’s been 10 days since arrival. I smell the dust and burning garbage off the plane. Taxi drivers and bus boys walk me to the car with Matt and Stephen, I try and pay them two large heavy silver coins and it turns out they add up to one gourde, which is a fraction of a penny. Oops. They turn from the coins in disgust over my stinginess. I apologize and give them my total of $6 in Starbucks tips from Canada. Staff seem somewhat exhausted. Deep fried everything. Electricity and Internet within certain time periods only. Cannot distinguish whether a boy is either crying or singing outside my window. Maybe both. The kids cling, and observe me closely, apparently hanging on the way I say every word. Am I for real? Am I staying? Do I really care about them? I imagine them asking. They rascal me a bit, and one girl sobs every time I set her down. Back to desperation. Intense hunger. Haha! Yes fill me, Jesus, You have my UNdivided attention FINALLY!!!

It is so easy to love these kids. Especially when compared to some mental health jobs I’ve had before. Very uncomplicated here. One word to describe them. Hungry.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I would try and round up the toddlers for a game by myself. I thought…maybe it would be difficult because they wouldn’t want to come. I thought they’d be like my past experiences trying to lead super young youth..ADHD-not even mildly interested in listening. They’re so young I thought it would be like herding cats…
These toddlers were overjoyed at a chance to do something fun. There was no question in their minds. So hungry. So thirsty for love. Normal or not, God’s original design for children was supposed to be trusting and needy. They welcomed prayer in complete fullness. Jesus! They will be the greatest in heaven. The poor in spirit will inherit the Kingdom.

If you haven’t already been praying for my health, please pray, or just continue in zeal. At least I’m getting really ripped abs from all the coughing. Ha! I’ve been sick basically since I got here, and I admit I’ve let some fear in the door. Last time it meant I had to leave! Went to a Cuban hospital down the street. No english, some creole, mainly spanish. Fortunately they didn’t have to stick me with an IV, they just gave me a chest X-ray without a lead protective covering. What to do with excess radiation? …Glory to God! One thing is for sure, I haven’t been able to remain numb or fill myself with other temporary satisfaction here. Everyday it’s this desperation feeling like …if He doesn’t show up, I literally can’t do this! That way when He does provide a way, I know without a doubt it is ONLY by His grace that I can LIVE.

I remember Andy Byrd, my DTS school leader, saying in regards to hunger: Medically, your stomach can feel completely full if you have been feeding on junk food, but in fact you are on the verge of death from malnutrition. But God is breaking off apathy. There is an awakening and revival of hearts happening now where there is a hunger for “raw” God. He is awakening His corporate church based on how amazing, magnificent, epic our God really is. It creates a dissatisfaction in a generation for the counterfeit, homogenized, pasteurized, processed things of the world. What begins to happen is something called “sanctification”, “reformation”, “transformation” of the lifestyle. Thought processes, actions, words, desires getting transformed, reshaped around the revelation of the nature and character and beauty and love of God. What we love, we end up looking like.

I can’t wait to see exactly how God has already been moving here!!! I’ll do my best to keep you updated. Much Love.

2012: Supernatural Love

I remember feeling so much resistance in my spirit over flying back to Canada, but knowing I needed time to heal my body…

I wanted to live with the poor, in the dirt!

Then God started revealing to me His heart for the Western world. Over Starbucks coffee! All I can say is “wow” at how complete the transition in my heart has been. Woooooooooooooooooœ!!! Shakababa.

2011 was a wild ride, similar to the ones before, only this time with a twist of restoration towards the end. First I witnessed the astronomical fruit of a ministry in Mozambique that is saving thousands of lives for the Kingdom, daily. Then, my life was saved from Falciparum Malaria. And THEN, my $84,840 hospital debt was completely FORGIVEN. Now…I don’t know what your experience with prayer is, but all I can say is that God is faithful. Full heart surrender to Him is worth it.

Sometimes it is only in theory that we trust Him fully, beyond our ability to understand, not allowing our circumstances to accuse His character and nature. I challenge us to pray that we will know-that we know-that we know that we trust Him, in reality.

So… I am packing for Haiti. I am scheduled to fly out tomorrow, at 1:22 PM. Getting my looted suitcase contents replaced, then below 50 pounds wasn’t pretty. I kinda flipped out a bit. The transition away from the flesh has begun again, uncloaking my nicely recultivated attachment to Stuff.

Then there’s the attachment to people that has happened, which is a good thing, considering the bitter misanthropist I used to be before YWAM got ahold of me. Finding myself completely falling in love with my friends here, I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I can’t think.

Nevertheless…

2012 means we keep running the race. From glory to glory. Physical endurance training involves pacing, fueling and hydration. Plus you have to train frequently to keep your heart and body pumping at a higher level. To “eat” the scroll, worship and minister from a place of rest in His presence are the spiritual equivalent. Keeping our eyes on the goal set before us: His eyes. Settling for spiritual junk food just doesn’t appeal after we get used to being healthy.

I don’t know how long I will be in Haiti…I say 3-6 months, but I don’t really know. I have learned to take things one step at a time. Nothing hasty. I know that I will love the 60+ abandoned children there, and reactivate my desire to disciple a generation, infusing the deliverance, freedom, surrender, identity, transformation and intimacy only to be found in Christ. But I don’t know exactly how it will look or what exactly will happen. I just know God is calling me there right now. So I will run into the darkness shining His Light, with the rest of my little life.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” – Hebrews 12:1

epic partnership

P.s. I will do my best to keep posts updated, as I hear there is full (tho slow) internet there.

Drinking Deeply

Ministry here has been engaging. Just returned from another night with the “occupiers” and homeless downtown Victoria. I went with some burning ones from a charismatic church and we were able to pray and speak life over some of the receptive. More than encouraging them, it was me who got filled. Not sure how to explain that.

How to fully update you… It’s been a while. Donations from a faithful servant of the Lord and brother and missionary in Christ, Stephen Hasbrouck Jr., as well as a dear brother and missionary I met in Mozambique have encouraged my spirit greatly. How I love the Bride of Christ. My weight is higher than it’s ever been: 118. Feeling 100% thanks to God. The hospital debt however is still dragging out; I call and send more paperwork on a daily/weekly basis, and they keep asking me to “resend” or “call back next week”. Thinking the charity department is behind with all the requests from the US. But I am still pressing in, contending with God to dissolve the debt and walk through the open door back to Haiti to work with the Hands and Feet project (with many abandoned children) http://handsandfeetproject.org/ My cousin, Shannon Keeran, provided this opportunity through his affiliated http://www.knowhopefoundation.org/ I am aiming to return to Haiti in January. God’s heart for the poorest of the poor still burns.

Life here has been easy to slip back into, though serving coffee to the masses is not without it’s challenges. Getting that double tall, 180 degree, non-fat, with whip, half sweet, half caf, two pump pumpkin spice, salted caramel mocha, with a sleeve, is fun but not always fruitful, spiritually. Yes funny, but tragic! All too often I can see that the customer thirsts for something more than just Starbucks. Yes, Sbux has been one of my temporary ministry grounds the past two months. I’ve been honored to be able to even pray with a couple people without getting fired. More than once a customer has broken into tears while ordering at the till. Their job is stressful, or they feel they can’t do anything right.

There is so much need here for faith and revival, though the distraction level is 10+. “Loneliness is epidemic” as one church-planter from Vancouver most accurately put it. Authentic community is very evasive here, as is being content with what we have. Spiritual growth and fruit is stunted, in a culture so infused and numbed out with materialism. I hear from other workers in the field here that they’ve been walking with people for months, years even, and see almost zero progress or less, in terms of knowing who they are in Christ. The frustration can be overwhelming, and the boredom while waiting for breakthrough, maddening. That said, there is thIs intellectual determination (the same thing that is used to set itself up against the knowledge of God) in this society, which can definitely serve our Faith well. I have found myself admiring especially younger people expressIng concepts of such depth of insight about life, God, and faith. Discussions have many times been quite captivating, and necessary here, in response to the militant evangelistic Atheism. In fact, my love for the Christians here has got me feeling so at home that a big part of me doesn’t want to give it up again. Plus, the food is amazing, free drinks every break, the air is fresh, and I have free medical. But…there’s something even better when living in the dirt with the poor. Really. Obedience is actually a joy not a sacrifice. Don’t believe the enemy. God is faithful when you give Him everything. A cry of my heart is that we become channels, not reservoirs, of our God-given wealth. Especially the loads of excess wealth I have been horrified to witness being intentionally thrown into the trash.

Meanwhile, down in the Caribbean, my fellow Haitian brothers and sisters and experiencing more threat and destruction to their very lives. Please pray for the Hands and Feet orphanage in Jacmel, as 7 armed men broke in the other night and stole all the computers, phones, cash. They didn’t hurt anyone, but they were there an hour, and the Haitian police arrived after the fact. Staff and children were moved to the other location in Grand Goave so space is limited.

Please partner with me in praying for restoration and restitution for these children and workers. I hope to go to them soon! Also keep in prayer please the removal of my debt, for rest, revival and breakthrough for myself and this nation. Pray for unity within the Bride, the different denominations of Christ. Also for health and safety. Let’s drink deeply of His presence!!!

His love endures forever.

Agreeing with God

Been back in Victoria BC for almost 2 months now. Healing has been a very slow process. My mind wants to “Go” at the level I had been used to. My body, not so much.

Just out of ICU

There was a set-back about a week into recovery. I pushed myself too hard without realizing, until I started feeling some malarial symptoms returning. It was painful and I began agreeing with some fear. The doctors had confirmed the falciparum strain does not recur. A neurologist put me on Prednisone for 7 days, and very gradually the doom lifted and so did my spirit.

Attempting to exercise

Then came the circumstance of the hospital bill I can’t pay. Long story short, I’m now broke and the debt is massive. I may need to file for bankruptcy. My insurance (the recommended “sevencorners.com”) assured me $50,000 would fully cover my medical when I purchased. But they only paid $12,770 of the $98,610 total owed. I am being counseled to appeal to the insurance co, and send in papers for financial assistance with the hospital. I am aware that many people in the US are in even worse situations with this kind of thing, likely in debt millions of dollars that they can’t afford. God, I ask You to rescue the US from their medical system!

Thanking God for LIFE!

That said, I am confident that God will provide and deliver me to continue to serve Him. I refuse to let my circumstances accuse the character and nature of God.

On the bright side, I returned from Spruston Road Bible Camp the other day. I grew up going to this camp, and it was an honor to counsel there. Was able to witness some spiritual breakthrough for youth so familiar with concealment and loneliness. Was impressed by the team effort and motivation of the staff I got to work with during that week.

So…….I’ve agreed to take it one step at a time. No rush.
Today, I break my exercise and social network fasts. Attempting a “reasonably paced” swim now… see ya on FB.